Remembrance

How does it feel to experience Breast Cancer Awareness month, as a Survivor? 

Fumbling in my mind, thinking of how I actually feel about it being “ Breast Cancer Awareness Month.”  I laughed. I laughed at how loaded that question truly is. It’s like asking your significant other, why they love you… There are those obvious expected responses, and there is the heart felt answer that lay deep under layers and layers of experiences past and present; In those layers are where you are able to genuinely answer those “Loaded Questions.”

In my layers; I

I remember, Based off of several different risk assessments, I had a .2% risk within 5 years and a 8.3% lifetime risk of breast cancer. So I do not need yo have a mammogram.

I remember, my doctor’s asked me to see a psychologist verses a breast doctor, because I had gone in for my 4th time for the same lump and refused to be turned down for a breast eval

I remember, being sent home told I was fine. Because breast cancer doesn’t hurt, and I’m too young!

I remember the pain.

I remember calling my parents to tell them I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

I remember, calling my husband at the time and hyperventilating, not knowing if I would live to Christmas, let alone our children grow up.

I remembered meeting Sara, the 19 year old with breast cancer who was in hospice that passed a week or two after we did our make up together.

I remember, the feeling of loneliness, heart ache, and the emotional pain it caused in my marriage and family.

I remember rolling down my window 13 days after my first chemo and my hair falling into my lap and not being able to cry because I was driving my children around. I had to be strong.

I remembered others making me feel like it was MY FAULT I had cancer. Like I was the disease and I was contagious.

I remembered being told I had cancer again, being miss diagnosed November 5th last year.

I remember what it felt like to physically be defeated and not be able to move from a bed, not even to go to the bathroom. 

I Remember, WHY I wanted to start Conscious Connections LLC.

Breast Cancer Awareness month gives me a feeling of remembrance for who I am and Why I am who I am.